Empress Theresa - Chapter Three: The search for Plot...

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The originator of this post wishes to make it clear that EVERYONE visiting this Blog is hereby dissuaded from contacting the author in any way to bother, criticize, or otherwise harass him. This is my personal opinion and critique of the work.  Although I may at times be very strong worded while doing so, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS do I hold anything personally against Mr. Boutin and only wish that he learns to edit his work.

With all that said, let us continue with…



Chapter 03

The chapter begins with our perfect heroine telling us about Boston College, the greatest Catholic school of all time!  Again, rather than show us the passage of time and elaborate how she ended up there, we are just SLAMMED down into the new scene.
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Absolutely riveting stuff, I'm already hooked and can't wait to see where this action packed chapter leads us.

Something that I'm just noticing for some reason, is that there is no spacing between paragraphs.  This isn't the end of the world, but certainly doesn't look very professional.

Anyway...

We're treated to some fun stats strait from the Colleges Wiki page and are told that she got a full-ride scholarship... for reasons... 

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So, apparently this strong willed female has decided to let others choose her path for her rather than us her "intelligence" to figure life out herself.  After all, she only has a Space God living in her tummy who can bend the very laws of time and space, what use could that be?

It seems that Norman is letting us know the proper role for a woman in his world, do what the church says... or else.

She mentions that part of her reasoning for taking the scholarship was so that her parents didn't have to pay for her schooling.  That's nice of her, but isn't she "smart as a whip" and the greatest lady baseball player ever?  How hard would it be to get a scholarship to anywhere else, schools should be beating down her door if her test scores are high enough.  This again makes me think that Norman has never had any actual education beyond that of High-School.

Then there is yet another creepy reference to her odd relationship to this priest...

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What the fuck is up with that?  She pines for this old man more than she does her parents.  Which is borderline fetish-level creepiness that seriously weirds me out when I see it.

*shudders*

The text meanders through her first days of College, TELLING us how she wants to make a good first impression.  Some exposition on how she's now the small-town girl in the big city but OF COURSE, she is above the petty social pitfalls of college.

We find out that this is apparently her FIRST DAY EVER on the campus, having not even bothered with a pre-year tour or anything.  So, she has to find out where everything is, buy books, and sound like the most boring person in the world.

Quick nit-pick, this should be 'for or during supper.' 

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What follows is something out of a penny Noir novel from the 1940's.  That, and something you would expect an old, out of touch, man to name someone.

Two boys are near her during dinner, and you bet your socks they have the hots for her.  She nicknames them... I'm still laughing as I type this... Mr. Intense and Mr. Fastmove.  OMG, what the fuck Norman, were these two C-level Batman villain names that caught your eye or something?

What follows is the smoothest romantic dialog ever written and we can all see why this book will go down in history as the greatest ever written.  And we're only on the third page of this nightmare...

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First off, two formatting errors staring us right tin the face.

So, apparently, boys who introduce themselves to girls are "Mr. Fastmoves" and not just trying to make friends.  Even if he has romantic intentions, this is still an except-able way to say hello.

Secondly, if your not "friendly" to people, you are not a tease.  It would seem that Norman is projecting his failed love life into this again, that or another of his odd kinks.

Plus, he could have mentioned her being on "TV a lot" in the previous chapter.  Such as when she was a FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER WHO DEAL WITH ONLINE BULLYING.  Does the author of this dumpster fire really think we have THAT short of a memory?

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We are then treated to an info dump that makes Theresa look like a crazy stalker.  Rather than a fluid conversation that all of this could have been divulged.

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And yet ANOTHER formatting error... 

My first question is, why didn't she just use Facebook or some other social media?  Who says that these self build "student webpages" are going to be at all reliable.  They could literally put ANYTHING in them.

Second, why are the students housing assignments publicly listed?  That sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.  Why, anyone could look up someones room assignment, like say, a crazy stalker girl with a god complex...

Thirdly, Boston College is a Private Roman Catholic Research Non-profit Coeducational Higher education institution.  So, WHY THEN is Steve being a Catholic such a FUCKING surprise?  It is written as though being a professed Catholic at a PRIVATE CATHOLIC school makes him a diamond in the rough.  Norman is a DUMB-FUCK.

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Nothing of consequence follows, a poor attempt at setting up some chemistry between Steve and Mary Sue.  It's badly written and contains zero substance as, AGAIN, this should have been done more fluidly during the previous dinner scene.

Which then leads to...

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First off, one more formatting error for the books.

The way he has her response placed just after the text stating it was the campus "cop" (seriously who calls them that?) makes it seem as though he just answered himself.

This should read, "I spun to see the campus cop headed in my direction."  See, much better, or at least better as it's currently written.

Also, we have two fragmented sentences that could have been joined for a better flow.

Now, why does she not know where the campus security office is?  Isn't that part of orientation, should you know where to go if you need them?  And why is she so concerned about people noticing her following the security officer?  Its cut off in the snip but she is a hundred feet behind so that no-one will notice.

Is she so self-conscious of her egocentric image that being seen with a has-no-power security officer that much of a damage to her?  What is going on in this girls messed up brain box?

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So, she is led to a conference room and we are given a painful description of what a plain conference room contains.  Normally this wouldn't be such a big deal but due to his hit-or-miss world-building this stands out.

Turns out that two spoopy men have been following her around campus.  In most situations, the ones that don't happen in Crazy Norman Land anyway, they would be stopped, question, and if unable to provide an excuse for being there, escorted off the campus.  If not handed over to the real police for trespassing.

BUT NOT WHEN GOD QUEEN MARY SUE IS INVOLVED!!!

As the President of Boston College HIMSELF gets personally involved in the suspected harassment of poor little Theresa...

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Seriously, can this bitch be more caught up in her own self importance at this point?  From her reaction there (You bet!), one would think she was the Blessed Mary herself.

Honestly, why is this interaction even here?  What does it add to the plot other than to puff up Mary Sue's supposed importance?  Yes, that's right, the President of the United States told a campus security officer what's what.  Really?

Side note, campus security are NOT COPS!  They have little to no actual authority other than citing violations, detaining suspicious people for the real cops, and stopping horny students from humping in the bushes.

What's with the "Facts of life" comment?  It seems as though he told them all about the sex n stuff, or death and taxes.  Why not just have him tell the campus PRESIDENT who was there for some reason what was going on.  Theresa already knows, and the two stooges who suck at their job already knows.

Oh, lets not forget... more formatting errors!

The whole exchange ends with this zinger that looks like a sixth grader wrote it.

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That's right, booger brains, you best listen to THE PREZ!

*Mic Drop*

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Oh hurrah, it's now October, and you know what that means!  Homecoming, that's right!

Which, of course, includes a speech about how young folk doing the fornication is so, so bad n stuff.  At least, I think that's what is being said...

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The emphasis to the word 'hang' makes it seem as though it's a double entendre.  But then Norman describes EXACTLY what hanging around actually is.  Is he really that thick?

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Norman now makes an attempt at the love triangle trope, although, knowing him it wont last but two pages.

Theresa goes down to the second floor, where jack's room is in the same building for some perverted reason.  Here we are introduced to, Ginny Weasley, her arch rival for the next hour or so.

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So... what the fuck is going on here?  Unless she was in the process of blowing all six of those guys then there's no reason for all the unilateral embarrassment.  From everyone's reaction it's implied that something quite serious is going on.  Six people just stopped all action and stared when Theresa entered, did she break up a drug deal?  Was Ginny about to give out some Handy's?

Let's see how this plays out...

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Well, that went downhill fast.

Turns out Theresa gets but-hurt about the simplest of things, kind of sounds familiar, right Norman...  So, she storms out without so much as asking a single question form anyone.  She just assumes the worst about the situation and decides it's up to her to set things strait.

What is it with the insane woman?  She automatically assumes something without ANY facts whatsoever.  The ONLY reason she is right about anything is that she is a made up fantasy lady in the mind of an equally insane person.

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She runs upstairs and changes into a whoreish 'little black nothing' of a dress made of "flimsy, clingy material."  I know you can already feel the cringe coming but please bare with me for a moment as the scene is set up.  She then makes the dress even shorter for a perverted nine inches above the knees.  Unless she's in the NBA everyone now has at-least a very close peek at her 'personables'.

She admires herself in a full length mirror, we are thankfully spared a description of how yummy she looks.  She then waits to taunt her now ex-boyfriend Jack with her slutty handsome body.  What a good, moral Catholic role model she is.

But Jack is a no-show and she sits to watch some TV.  Where we are then given a fucking book report about 'The Caine Mutiny,' guess what it's about...

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An interesting, if not poor, synopsis of the book.  However, WHY IS IT IN HERE, how does it move the plot forward?  I looked ahead for a bit and guess what, IT DOESN'T!

We then get this telling bit of text...

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Well now, first of it's clear that the buffoon of an author hasn't read the book.  Keith lets the relationship with May die after concluding that he has no future with a woman of a lower social class.  He simply stops answering her letters.  In fact, the relationship itself is a very small part of the book and only serves show the character arc of Keith himself.

Norman is showing us, yet again, that he lacks perspective and has a very narrow view of the world.  Anything romantic is "boring and meaningless" and therefore deserves none of his time.  What a shallow minded hack.

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I'll gloss over his similarly poor description of 'The Robe' and its philosophical meaning.  As he is an idiot of the highest caliber.

But, of course, Theresa has to meditate on how awesome she is and why her way of thinking always works.  Except for all the times it wouldn't in the real world, or even in this made-up one...

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Seriously, is this dumb cunt from bizarro land or something?  Of course you should have addressed the issue RIGHT THERE, if not pulled him aside to ask a question or two.  Please show me ONE young person who wouldn't have been a bit curious as to what was going on.  Norman is so disconnected with reality it fucking hurts to contemplate his vision of the world.

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The movie ends and one of "those horrible made for TV walking dead movies" comes on and Normans dim view of the world is again projected through her.  She shuts it off and has a spree about the shows "not addressing an individual's decisions in life."  Yes, Norman, you fucking, dim-witted, sack of dog-shit, many of these shows do actually do that.  Their called the "boring parts" that most people don't remember because its an episode of the MC reflecting on how they got into their current predicament.

It should also be said that he gets the movie adaptation of 'The Caine Mutiny' wrong, Keith is assigned to a new ship commanded by De Vriess.  he does not stay aboard the Caine after the mutiny.

Granted, not every zombie or end of the world flick is a philosophical exposition on the human condition.  But many of them accomplish that in one way or another, that's why there good, you FUCKING HACK!

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Fuck me, where to start on this part...

Despite his semi-accurate view of college life, this is still worthless filler that is suppose to make Mary sue seem all philosophical and shit.  I'm not sure how many students drop out of college because they went "nuts" but I'm guessing its a very low number.

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She decides to start being a sad panda for a while, not sure why, it wasn't as though they had been dating for any length of time.  God she is such a sheltered and fragile fucking flower.

During her sad mopey phase, she says this pile of  what the fuck...

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Oh no bitch, you're the most prideful motherfucker in your fucking zip code.  You're LITERALLY up in your room being a sad sack BECAUSE of your fucking pride.

I would say that this sets her up for a great progressive arc where she overcomes her pride... but I KNOW that shit doesn't happen.  Another great missed opportunity for character growth and giving the reader someone to relate to.

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It grows late and she is still sappy and near tears in her room.  Still awake at 9pm, doesn't she have school or something?  She is complaining that she doesn't have any friends, despite her being there long enough to make at least ONE, but whatever.  When suddenly what's that noise we hear?  Why it's her bland White Knight that does appear!

Steve Hartley walked in.  Yep, that's how he framed it, I would show you but I lack the will to take a pic of it.

We're TOLD that Ginny Weasley is Jack's hometown girlfriend. (You want the best girlfriend, get a hometown girlfriend.  Nobody makes them like grandma does.)  That she was supposed to be there next week but came early, which is relevant in some way... I'm sure.

So, rather than having this all come out in a fluid and natural conversation right there in jack's room.  Norman has decided that Theresa needed to stew and be sad for a while as he told us about the books he once read.  Then, have Steve pop in for no reason other than trying to score a quick rebound lay.

This whole part could have been cut down by a page, have her and Jack argue for a bit.  In which we learn about Ginny and her relationship and then Steve could follow Theresa upstairs to comfort her.  Is that perfect, no, could be better framed, sure, but it's BETTER than this shitty shit.

This, of course, leads to more GRIPPING dialog...

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Oh look, more formatting errors, golly gee.  

These uneven lines are driving me FUCKING CRAZY!!!

To start off with, it's clear that no-one has ever invited poor Mr. Boutin to a card game.  We usually end up discussing physics and engineering at mine, which leads us to designing a better beer keg.  That, and a robot to play cards so that we can do other stuff.

Whats with the casual PG-13 daytime porn?  Despite how cringy this is as she is still technically UNDER AGE at this point.  What teen wouldn't turn down the chance for a glance at some sweet, sweet hip meat.  When first reading this, your almost assured that a steamy intercourse is to follow, but ole Blue-Balls Boutin wants none of that...

Who the FUCK looks for an interesting topic of conversation by thumbing through their movie collection.  Plus, what kind of Super-Nerd is this girl that she only has BBC DVD's.  I know that Captain Hack here is trying to lay down some parallels to other famous people from history, but he sucks at it.

We can also see here that Norman's understanding of English history is as poor as everything else.

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"We have to get over this awkward moment..." That's cringingly similar to what you say when you have sex for the first time.  Or when you see your significant other naked for the first time and see their Nickelback Tattoo in a very private place.  This whole interaction is strange and makes me feel dirty, this is why old men shouldn't write YA novels.

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Wait, what?  She knows the raging hormonal feelings, and no doubt equally raging boner right then, of the boy next to her and she felt safe?  I understand she has the strength of a thousand Gary's but still, what a stupid girl person.

Actually, it's the stupid dumb dumb that wrote this in such a confusing way.  I understand what she is saying, God I hope so... it's just that there is no clear message in this text.

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The text then drones on about how awesome Queen Victoria was and hamfistedly hammers in the fact that we're supposed to see them as the same.  We get it Norman, she's a strong female character.  They stay up all night watching movies together like a middle-aged married couple and NOT fucking like those immoral young folk.  Or like two hormone infused young adults would do, although technically one is still sixteen... but whatever.

In the morning they go to breakfast, she is still wearing the 'little black nothing' dress for some reason.  (Note: this totally makes it look as though they pounded it out the night before.)  During breakfast, everyone with a functioning brain comes to the same conclusion.  She makes a comment that they hadn't done anything they couldn't tell their parents, which which is stupid.

She is an adult, kind-of, and so can make her own decisions.  If she want to fuck some guy she can, AND can then tell her parents about it.  Now, if they had murdered a hobo and sold his ground up flesh to a deli, then that would be something that they couldn't tell her parents.  Not sure if this is a sheltered Catholic thing or if Norman just has that narrow view of the world.  Maybe both now that I think of it.

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Personal note here, I HATE it when amateur authors do this.  This is NOT how you drag out a word phonetically.  This is almost as bad as spelling out sounds, which is a literary carnal sin as far as I'm concerned.

Also, "Steve joked" should be after the dialog as it flows better.  Unless it was written as, "Steve looked around and quipped' or "Steve nodded and joked."  Not a big deal, just a personal nitpick.

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Sweet stinky baby Christ on a waffle, what the fuck do we have here?  A block of text that, yet again, simply tells us about characters and character interaction.  There should be real chemistry between these two and this DOES NOT establish it.  I admit that it's a hard thing to do unless you commit real time and effort into fleshing it out.  But Norman is clearly a lazy piece of shit and can't be bothered with the hard work that would require.

So, It's better that we're just TOLD how awesome they are for each other.  That way we can get back to the action and the "dozens" of scenarios this Queen Mary Sue has to deal with.  That's what this book is about action, action, action, not smelly romance trash that nobody wants to read.

On a side note, they still both sound like a middle aged couple on their third marriage here.

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We then get a lesson in American history from our tireless author.  We learn about the Bromance between Hamilton and Jefferson and what great pals they were.  We're treated to a fun lecture about the clear parallel between them and our two heroes here.  Despite him painting them as complete opposites who constantly wanted to kill each other, just like our happy couple.

Seriously, it drones on for TWO WHOLE PAGES about how super duper awesome Theresa and Steve are together.  How they mirror EVERY SINGLE FAMOUS PERSON EVER.  It's incredibly preachy, long-winded, and doesn't accomplish it's sole task, to make us feel the chemistry between Tweedledee-Sue and Tweedledum-Steve.

After this, it is declared that after but a MONTH they knew they wanted to get married.  The reason? they couldn't go four years without sex, yes, a very good reason to get married indeed.  Boy is she in for a surprise when she finds out that Steve can only get hard when rubbing his nipples with Rhubarb and watching a stallion with an erection take a shit.  Lets not even think about the weird positions he's into or the noises he makes mid coitus.  

Seriously, have sex at least ONCE with a perspective partner before considering marriage, which lasts FOREVER in the Catholic Church.

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Really, I bet they had some great questions, sounds like a good time for us to hear about why these two should get married.  Perhaps a speech from Steve on why he loves Theresa and his everlasting commitment to stand by her no matter the cost.  This the moment when Steve and her parents bond and we see where she gets all of the amazing talents from.

I bet this is going to be EPIC...

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Oh... that's it?

Do I really need to comment on the further waste of narrative here.  I lack the words for how bad this is and how much many things I've broken as I see this books potential be wasted in the hands of an egotistical man-child.  I need a drink...

So the chapter is finally winding down, with little to show for it other than Theresa has a do nothing husband now.

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So, she turns eighteen and is married, huzzah!

We even get nice cringy description of what she wore, Norman sure does like describing what the ladies wear.

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How wonderfully tasteful and not at weird and creepy!

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There follows a long and quite out of place paragraph about Henry David Thoreau.  It talks about his time in solitude to find himself and his thought on self reflection.  I honestly think this is only in here to make Norman look deep and thoughtful.  So that we can admire how smart and learned he is, and not a ignorant dumb-shit.

The chapter ends with them moving into a small apartment for privacy during the summer break.  Because who needs money I guess, honestly, what do these idiots do to make any scratch at this point?  I guess their house-sitting or something as it's mentioned that it belonged to a retired couple who spend the summer in an RV.

They also get a "Chevrolet" as a present from Steve's Father.  How nice to get a nondescript vehicle for ones nuptials.

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And that ends Chapter 3 of Empress Theresa, join me next time for another adventure into illiteracy!