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The originator of this post wishes to make it clear that EVERYONE visiting this Blog is hereby dissuaded from contacting the author in any way to bother, criticize, or otherwise harass him. This is my personal opinion and critique of the work. Although I may at times be very strong worded while doing so, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS do I hold anything personally against Mr. Boutin and only wish that he learns to edit his work.
With all that said, let us continue with…
Chapter 04
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We're off to a deceptively good start. What seems like the first sentence longer than ten words lays here to greet us with some friendly exposition. A comma could have helped here, however, lets just be glad he transitioned the chapter rather smoothly for once.
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But no time for pleasantries or anymore of that mamby-pamby world-building or scene description as it's time for ACTION!
So then, three cars block the road, I assume, and six men jump out with guns-a-drawn for maximum action and suspense. Wherein she is immediately ordered out of the car!
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After getting out of the car, a van pulled up behind her and she is ushered into it. As is pulls up, it is described as the "door to the middle seat" being opened, so, I must assume it's a minivan. I guess someone had to use their wife's vehicle, as their nondescript white van or black SUV was in the shop.
She gets in and EVERYONE in the van points a gun at her as they drive off.
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To be fair, that would probably be my response to such an unusual show of force myself. So, props to Norman for letting a bit of classy comedy shine through this dull turd.
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She has a quick emo moment as they drive off where she looks about for a last look at her familiar surroundings. Then says how a struggle would be pointless.
Maybe, but doesn't she have super-duper powers? Isn't she "smart as a whip?" So then, why doesn't she as least try to think of something or fill that van full of uppercuts? I mean, why does she just except her fate so quickly like a lamb to the slaughter?
She is taken to a field where two "Military Helicopters" are waiting for her.
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Upon getting into the transport, she could at this point be forgiven for not doing anything to escape. The helicopters are described as a "VIP transport helicopter with seats looking forward like in airplanes." An odd description, but I guess we can let it slide for now.
Of course, there's then a snide about it being used to haul a "generals butt" around to places like Vegas and Disney World." Given the author's alleged history with the military, I'm not sure where this remark comes from.
They lift off and head south, guns still pointed at her. The text then states they are headed south, again, in the very next paragraph. Only now it's over water.
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I keep commenting on how EMO this dumb cardboard cut-out is and you can see why. Faced with what seems like death and having the power to put up a fight, she instead rolls-over and sulks. I acknowledge that not everyone reacts in the same way when placed in these situations. But most people would at least ask a couple more questions, or calculate their chances if they fought back.
Remember, she has super strength and can toss the ball super well, why not reach up and tear the control cables out or rip the door off. Perhaps even take your chances by knocking some skulls about, they clearly want her alive at this point.
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Oh great, we start off with more of the authors bullshit view of the world. Crying is not an attempt to "milk" drama out of a situation, you dumb, fucking idiot. Put a gun to someone's head, chances are that they will get emotional and shed a tear or two, both men and women. While I agree that the stereotypical "crying woman" trope is both annoying and sexist, it's still an accurate reaction in some cases. The real problem I, and others, have with Theresa's reaction, however, is her BULLSHIT justification for it.
How does this little sprout know they've never told a girl she was about to die? I have... twice. Plus, who cares what they expected her reaction to be, in-fact, she could have used it to escape if she put some effort into it. But she would rather give them "Navy SEAL," whatever the fuck that means. And, of course, Mary Sue's hard lined attitude wins over the mean men and the instantly respect her. I'm surprised they didn't turn the helicopter around and pledge themselves to her service.
That brings up an interesting point, do all hard military people gain instant respect for someone with a tough attitude? I guess they all have mad-props for the Taliban then, I saw quite a few of them act all cool and stuff as we boarded them onto a transport. But I digress...
She waxed poetic? Oh my fucking god, what the shitty-shit is this shit? My goodness this bitch is deeper than the Marianas Trench, I don't think we can handle this epic prose.
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Still heading south along the coast, she FINALLY asks a simple question. And we get the greatest jump the rails and down to crazy-town answer is history!
WHAT... THE... FUCK!
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This moment is later explained in the next couple of lines, by Theresa assuming it of course, that they wanted to destroy HAL and not just kill her. But, could an atomic bomb actually kill it? She says that, "Nothing could survive an A-bomb," how do they know that? There has been ZERO research on this magic space spooge thus far, for all they know infusing it with the energy of such an explosion would make it stronger. Or set off a chain reaction that would destroy the planet.
Who says a nuclear bomb would kill a Space Ghost anyway...
This is such a stupid fucking plot point that it makes everything to follow seem all the more imbecilic. And it does get WAY more retarded as it goes along.
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Another formatting error, those playing along please take a shot!
They are indeed giving a condemned person A LOT of information. Why is this, and why is not further restrained? How would a calm, resigned person make you want to talk, wouldn't you want to talk more to the distressed person to try and calm them down?
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She asks a couple questions about what they know about her and why they're doing this to her. They respond that she is a danger to the United States and they don't nee dot know the reasons. Fair enough I guess but it still seems out of place for them to be telling a PRISONER these things.
She debates whether to tell them about HAL and demonstrate her powers. Something that should have been done WAY before this point and again makes you wonder why these guys are being so casual about her. If they don't know anything about her then they should be way more cautious about her. such as not letting her speak and binding her hands and legs. If they know about HAL, then they should REALLY have bound her and maybe given a sedative to boot.
This helicopter flight scene lasts for THREE pages, most of which is silent reflection and waiting. At one point, they land to refuel where she is allowed to use the restroom, alone, with only a warning that she shouldn't try to escape. The building was surrounded after all.
FINALLY after another feel-bad about herself run-on paragraph, they land at an airbase.
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They march her into a building with a cafeteria, where everyone has been removed so they can't see her I guess. After all, this whole episode is so that no-one would notice them transporting her. We get a quick description of her grabbing dinner, along with twelve 20oz coke bottles. it is played off as her guards dismissing it as the irrational behavior of someone who is about to die. Bullshit...
She then grabs the empty trash-bag from a can and placed eleven of the bottles inside.
This all comes in handy later during her daring escape, but there is no way at this point that she would know the particulars. ALSO, why would ANYONE let her keep these fucking bottles. What kind of inept morons are guarding her, and why are they even stopping as every stop is a chance for her to escape. WHICH SHE NEVER TAKES.
An of course, Mary Sue is ever the impressive figure...
Sigh.
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What's this? A good Catholic girl using the Lords name in vain? Shame on you, Norman.
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She is then driven 'back' to the landing strip. Funny, nowhere does it say that she was driven away from the airstrip, I guess someone forgot to add that. See, this is why we edit and proof-read, you fucking amateur. Although, to be fair, the text does say that a helicopter could land 'anywhere' so that is it saying they landed next to a group of buildings someplace.
She is placed onto a twin turboprop, where we get a lengthy description of it. Again, describing things that aren't important but skimming over the parts that NEED detail.
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Au contraire, madame dumb-dumb. Now that their methods of self defense or out of easy use, you don't have to worry about getting shot. A few well placed punches and hand-slaps then your home free. Either threaten the pilot or fly the plane yourself back to land.
However, that is, as always, asking far too much from this empty-headed Mary Sue.
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Another formatting error!
OK, several questions right away. Why would her guards know when the bomb goes off, or have any information about her means of execution? Why would they TELL her that? Seems a bit inconsequential and stupid to tell the person your about to kill how it's going to be done. And what's with the flight suit, and WHY is it on the fucking PLANE with them?
This entire series of events is getting more and more aggravating and stupid as it goes along. Why not just shoot her? Oh, you want to destroy HAL, then why not just sedate her and keep her in a coma? Oh, not sure if that would even work, then why not be nice to her and keep her in a secure facility while you STUDY the space-jizz monster to see how you can destroy it? Every decision made here is the result of an idiot making reasons to progress the plot and not the workings of a rational mind.
There are SO MANY violations of military protocol here, I'm not even sure where to start with them. Suffice it to say, that this would never happen, even if a bizarrely similar situation were to occur. Not even the orders of the President can be followed so fucking blindly. They are about to violate several, crucial international treaties on nuclear arms in the OFF CHANCE that it kills this mystery being.
WHAT... IN... THE... ACTUALLY... FUCK!
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The flight suit somehow magically fits into her contrived and clearly not-plausible plan and she has a quiet moment of inner glee. She espouses how her family was now as though in another world and nothing they could do for her. Wherein she turned her thoughts to eternity and we get yet another obvious preachy message on the religious nature of this book.
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Just look at that for a moment. Let that block undertone sink in for a second as you think about the authors continued insistence that this ISN'T a religious book...
What a load of egotistical bullshit.
When pushed to the brink, she believes... that's it? Believes in God, why of course, and pities those who have ANY doubts about the big man upstairs. The slab of text then slips into a shitty version of the 'watchmaker argument' that fails at even making the basic point of the argument. It meanders and ends with a declaration that her families self-sacrificing goodness doesn't exist in nature. Too bad it does, altruism can be seen in animals all the time. Anyone with a brain can look this up and see just how wrong the argument is.
The last paragraph is actually an argument AGAINST free-will, which may be a way to explain Theresa's bizarre behavior thus far. Had any of this been properly established as a motivation for her then I would understand it being here. But as this is really the first time we get to see her faith laid out, it comes off as forced and beyond preachy.
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She then recites the Lord prayer, because of course that's needed at this point.
After a flight that lasts for hours (in which she didn't do anything but sulk and pray) the plane lands on an aircraft carrier. Which is yet another refueling stop for them, oh goody. They show a lot of concern for a condemned person and ensure that she is buckled in properly. After a long, BDSM-like scene ensues of her getting buckled in that gave me funny feelings, they land on the ship. Which is, of course, too long and overly descriptive.
Norman also used m.p.h (sic) to describe the aircraft's speed and not knots, a small detail but he should know better. Being the smartest man on the planet and all.
She receives an oddly out of place compliment for being such a good passenger when they land. The plan is refueled and is launched back into the air, where he again uses m.p.h instead of knots. Her guards joke about the launch being 'nothing' and 'to wait until the jet take off' for her to really feel the G's man.
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Time for another quick rant... she checked her watch here to see what the time was. Why does she still have that? Why isn't she blindfolded or otherwise not allowed to view the outside world or be seen. Remember, this is a secret squirrel operation here.
She makes a comment about them thinking that she 'was enjoying this adventure' and from the way it's written it certainly seems as though she's meant to. She's just along for the ride like a dog on a Sunday drive, not a care in the world or any ideas of getting away.
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They arrive at their destination, I hope, and land on another aircraft carrier. She steps off the plane with her MASSIVE bag of soda bottles in tow, which are not immediately taken from her for some reason. The deck is completely devoid of anyone except for a skeleton crew needed to handle the arriving aircraft and a few others.
The 'Goons' guarding her take them over to a group of officers, whereas they're all shock, SHOCKED I SAY, to see her. She smugly thinks that it was good that everyone else was below deck, as her arrival could have caused a mutiny.
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I HATE... HATE... this smug, self-centered, fucking CUNT so far. She is the kind of person that would have zero friends and be a miserable pain in the ass just to be around. Given the fact that she actually has powers and is a person of some importance in this wacky world, perhaps I can see why their trying to kill her...
Several things of note here, the most blaring of them all however, is the author's continued ignorance of military Protocol.
1. The ship's senior officers WOULD NOT stand around idly by so they could be introduced to a condemned prisoner, not even if his/her death was by 'A-bomb'.
2. This ship is carrying an armed nuclear warhead, and it's being loaded onto an aircraft rigged to fly either remotely or under an automatic system. BOTH of these require special orders and personnel to manage, therefore, ALL of the ships senior staff would be apprised of the situation and know what was going on.
3. Which means, that they would have been told NOT to speak with the person about to be murdered by arms treaty violation. Even if they had been given little information, the 'Goons" guarding Theresa wouldn't have simply strolled over to them to engage in casual conversation.
Norman, is a buffoon of laughable caliber.
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After a pleasant conversation, where she complains that this is 'the most stupid thing ever done', to which I must agree. She AGAIN pines about how similar she is to historical people, this time being Tecumseh, the famous Indian Chief who rode into death singing and fearless. I just stabbed myself in the eye to give myself an excuse to stop reading this...
Theresa is then loaded into the as yet unidentified jet in question. They give her oxygen and ensure her seatbelt is properly secured. However, they forget to take away the GIANT TRASH BAG of plastic bottles she is carrying! I guess the Navy doesn't care much about FOD in the cockpit.
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A quick safety rant here, the catapult launch cables are not connected to an aircraft while ground crew are still on board, to my knowledge. This is an accident waiting to happen and is usually the last step in the pre-launch procedure. So far as I can tell from the various checklists I could find on the subject. Which makes it clear the I did far more research on the subject than the author.
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The jet is started and thusly launched, where is climbs quickly into the sky.
Norman AGAIN uses m.p.h (which isn't even the right way to type it out) to indicate speed. It's stated that the speed is 165 m.p.h (sic), however, most launch speeds are higher at around 150 knots, or 170mph. Trivial, but I need something to complain out... right?
As the world falls away with great speed, Theresa then jumps into action...
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So, they have her strapped in for safety and forgot to cuff and restrain her hands. What B-movie bond villain came up with this plan?
I'm going to assume that the ejection system was deactivated or removed. As wrenching out the seat straps like that is a good way to set it off. When I worked on B-1B's, you had to be rather gentle around the seats and they had been known to go off if you even lowered the seat down too much.
Whoa there fella! Careful with the flight suit unzipping scene there...
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I grabbed the first line of the following paragraph only to highlight the MASSIVE formatting error here, take a drink everyone!
Alright, now most aircraft that are slaved for remote operation have a VERY limited cockpit. There wouldn't be any functional instruments as they would have been removed for use on other aircraft. Let us assume that this was a last minute operation, and they slaved a functional aircraft from the chips inventory. Still not sure why they would leave any instruments in it. Canning all they could get away with would add to inventory and green up any broken jets that needed them.
This is something only those of us in the maintenance world would really understand, but there is information out there had the author done ANY research on the subject.
Let's the fact that there wouldn't be an analogue altimeter in the aircraft due to the text above and look at how she KNEW what an mech-alt is and how to read it. Mary Sue here sees one for the first time ever and immediately knows what all the dials mean. Why not go over a quick example... shall we?
What does this Altimeter read?
Now then, what does this Altimeter read? I couldn't find one above 10,000 feet, so cut me some slack...
It could have been this style, which is more common among military aircraft. So, I suppose we could allow it, but as it's not specified in the text I will still hold it against her.
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If she is on supplemental oxygen, then it can be assumed that the aircraft is unpressurized. Which would mean that those bottles would be close to exploding by the time she got them all opened. If the cockpit is pressurized, then they would explode the moment they opened the canopy. Further demonstrating the level of ignorance involved with this book.
Alright, so she places some plastic underneath the cap to make them 'water tight.' But what did those bottles have in them before she emptied them? And what is coke? So then, they were already water tight and Theresa is again shown to be a moron.
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Wouldn't it be a gas if the barometer wasn't set right and the actual Alt was 57,520 and the bomb went off just then. Or if they just blew it early because why not or due to a malfunction. That would be a fitting end for this goofy gal.
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She thinks of Steve and all the good times they had one last time. I wish we could have been apprised of those swell times, it might have made them both more relatable. She pines about how she now 'understands his purpose' and how he was a foretaste of the father. Not sure if that's the wording I would have used but Norman is his own man dammit.
This is just more religious oogy boogy that does nothing but make her seem dull and one dimensional.
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Sweet Jesus, enough of the religious demagoguery and fucking jump already you annoying shill. I certainly hope that prayer was, 'Dear God, please let me not asphyxiate on the way down.' Or even, 'Sweet baby Jesus, please change the laws of physics so that I don't break all my bones when I hit the water.'
A fall from that height is fatal, period, end of story. Even if your body is super strong and wouldn't turn to paste when it hit the water, your lungs would collapse from the low pressure and you would die. Or, your brain would turn to paste when i decelerated from terminal velocity to zero when you hit the water... and then you would die.
so, unless were about to see the miracle of human flight and the longest held breath in history...
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Theresa says prayer for God to forgive her sins, something that I thought only a priest could do, and pushes the canopy away with her bare hands. This bitch is jacked! She is rightly blown out of the cockpit and flies away to her death... the end.
God I wish that's what had happened.
By the power of plot-armor, she doesn't hit the tail of the aircraft and begins to fall back to the earth. She notices only silence for some reason, as wind is rather noisy, only the sound of her annoying breathing can be heard. The text goes on at length to explain what 'silence' sounds like, as though the readers don't grasp the concept.
Way to go Norman, it's almost as though you have no respect for your readers.
She then realizes how cold it is, yes it would be well below zero at those altitudes, and notes that without the flight suit she would already be dead. Boy, I guess it's good that the Plot-Gods saw fit to give her that for some contrived reason.
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Considering her altitude when she jumped (+55,000) and the relative velocity needed to be lost before reaching her apoapsis (+200knots). The blast would have been MUCH closer to her than 'miles,' in fact, the blast wave would have overtaken in seconds and ripped away her precious coke bottles.
And again, she would have been unconscious LONG before noticing the temperature start to climb. For a quick example, at 35,000ft you have roughly 20 seconds of consciousness, so yeah, her death would have been swift. As she fell at terminal velocity the wind would be such that she would lose all radiant heat, getting nothing from the air. Try sticking your arm out of the car window on a very hot day when traveling at 75mph, pretty cold yes? Now imagine traveling at 122mph, cold is putting it lightly.
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Theresa uses her well learned skydiving skills from the movies she had seen to keep from somersaulting through the air as she fell. Good to know she didn't just watch BBC historical documentaries, unless Queen Victoria had some righteous adventures.
After stabilizing her fall, she opens her eyes a little to see. When her magical plot armor keeps her eyes from turning into dried out yams from the 122mph gale-force wind hitting her face. She is still well above the clouds and able to breath for reasons that only serve to anger me further. Had she just passed out moments after leaving the cockpit, I wouldn't have been so pissed off about this. But even the fucking LAWS OF PHYSICS and BIOLOGY unite to keep princes Mary Sue alive and well.
Finally, after 'minutes of falling', she is low enough to make out the crisp blue waves of the South Atlantic. There is NO reason for her to know that, but as per usual she knows it for some reason.
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Anyone who has ever belly-flopped off a diving-board knows why this is bullshit. When hitting water as those speeds, it's as dense as concrete. Ever see the result of someone jumping off the Golden-gate Bridge? Trust me, you don't want to.
I suppose we can credit Norman with only having her being 'knocked out' and not turned into a fine paste that is awful on toast. But still, unless the space-soup inside her slowed her velocity at all, this is bullshit.
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She awakens to find herself awash in the ocean, the only problem was that her ankles hurt and she was cold. Fuck me... The longer she floats within the cold embrace of the briny deep, the worse it got and the more she began to long for death. I made that sound much better than it's written.
Her legs soon go numb and her body begins to lose it's 'nervous sensation.' I know that works, but there has to be a better word choice for this. It sounds as though her body can no longer arouse widespread interest and excitement. Which sounds sexy but is a little weird.
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We end on that abortion of a paragraph.
Look! Another formatting error, drunk up everyone!!
This is again an attempt at being deep and introspective. It fails, but it's an attempt. This chapter seems to have received some revision and editing when compared to the previous ones. It may have been a addition or a later re-write, either way, it still needs a lot of work.
Join me next time for another... Adventure in illiteracy!!
You think this was shit, wait until you see chapter 5...
Chapter 04
Buckle up, my humble readers, as this is where the book starts to really get weird. I know it already seems as though its already gone off the rails, well, you haven't seen anything yet. This chapter involves a number of events that are not only implausible, but down right stupid. So lets jump wright into it.
Now, I know that the format changing again is a little annoying. I'm trying to find one that works best while making it easier to read and understand where we are in the text.
We're off to a deceptively good start. What seems like the first sentence longer than ten words lays here to greet us with some friendly exposition. A comma could have helped here, however, lets just be glad he transitioned the chapter rather smoothly for once.
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But no time for pleasantries or anymore of that mamby-pamby world-building or scene description as it's time for ACTION!
So then, three cars block the road, I assume, and six men jump out with guns-a-drawn for maximum action and suspense. Wherein she is immediately ordered out of the car!
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After getting out of the car, a van pulled up behind her and she is ushered into it. As is pulls up, it is described as the "door to the middle seat" being opened, so, I must assume it's a minivan. I guess someone had to use their wife's vehicle, as their nondescript white van or black SUV was in the shop.
She gets in and EVERYONE in the van points a gun at her as they drive off.
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To be fair, that would probably be my response to such an unusual show of force myself. So, props to Norman for letting a bit of classy comedy shine through this dull turd.
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She has a quick emo moment as they drive off where she looks about for a last look at her familiar surroundings. Then says how a struggle would be pointless.
Maybe, but doesn't she have super-duper powers? Isn't she "smart as a whip?" So then, why doesn't she as least try to think of something or fill that van full of uppercuts? I mean, why does she just except her fate so quickly like a lamb to the slaughter?
She is taken to a field where two "Military Helicopters" are waiting for her.
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OK, so here we see a block of dialog buried in a descriptive, first-person text. This can be done but not at all in the way that the author has chosen to do it. It stands out in an awkward way and could even confuse a reader as to whom is speaking. This should be its own line at the very least as it is written.
Upon getting into the transport, she could at this point be forgiven for not doing anything to escape. The helicopters are described as a "VIP transport helicopter with seats looking forward like in airplanes." An odd description, but I guess we can let it slide for now.
Of course, there's then a snide about it being used to haul a "generals butt" around to places like Vegas and Disney World." Given the author's alleged history with the military, I'm not sure where this remark comes from.
They lift off and head south, guns still pointed at her. The text then states they are headed south, again, in the very next paragraph. Only now it's over water.
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We see that she is being taken to an aircraft carrier and that she is to never return. Gripping stuff I know, and I'm sure your asking why I'm bothering to highlight all this. Well, in a few moments we shall all see why and I bet you'll be asking the same questions I did.
Remember, she has super strength and can toss the ball super well, why not reach up and tear the control cables out or rip the door off. Perhaps even take your chances by knocking some skulls about, they clearly want her alive at this point.
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Oh great, we start off with more of the authors bullshit view of the world. Crying is not an attempt to "milk" drama out of a situation, you dumb, fucking idiot. Put a gun to someone's head, chances are that they will get emotional and shed a tear or two, both men and women. While I agree that the stereotypical "crying woman" trope is both annoying and sexist, it's still an accurate reaction in some cases. The real problem I, and others, have with Theresa's reaction, however, is her BULLSHIT justification for it.
How does this little sprout know they've never told a girl she was about to die? I have... twice. Plus, who cares what they expected her reaction to be, in-fact, she could have used it to escape if she put some effort into it. But she would rather give them "Navy SEAL," whatever the fuck that means. And, of course, Mary Sue's hard lined attitude wins over the mean men and the instantly respect her. I'm surprised they didn't turn the helicopter around and pledge themselves to her service.
That brings up an interesting point, do all hard military people gain instant respect for someone with a tough attitude? I guess they all have mad-props for the Taliban then, I saw quite a few of them act all cool and stuff as we boarded them onto a transport. But I digress...
She waxed poetic? Oh my fucking god, what the shitty-shit is this shit? My goodness this bitch is deeper than the Marianas Trench, I don't think we can handle this epic prose.
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Still heading south along the coast, she FINALLY asks a simple question. And we get the greatest jump the rails and down to crazy-town answer is history!
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This moment is later explained in the next couple of lines, by Theresa assuming it of course, that they wanted to destroy HAL and not just kill her. But, could an atomic bomb actually kill it? She says that, "Nothing could survive an A-bomb," how do they know that? There has been ZERO research on this magic space spooge thus far, for all they know infusing it with the energy of such an explosion would make it stronger. Or set off a chain reaction that would destroy the planet.
Who says a nuclear bomb would kill a Space Ghost anyway...
This is such a stupid fucking plot point that it makes everything to follow seem all the more imbecilic. And it does get WAY more retarded as it goes along.
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Another formatting error, those playing along please take a shot!
They are indeed giving a condemned person A LOT of information. Why is this, and why is not further restrained? How would a calm, resigned person make you want to talk, wouldn't you want to talk more to the distressed person to try and calm them down?
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She asks a couple questions about what they know about her and why they're doing this to her. They respond that she is a danger to the United States and they don't nee dot know the reasons. Fair enough I guess but it still seems out of place for them to be telling a PRISONER these things.
She debates whether to tell them about HAL and demonstrate her powers. Something that should have been done WAY before this point and again makes you wonder why these guys are being so casual about her. If they don't know anything about her then they should be way more cautious about her. such as not letting her speak and binding her hands and legs. If they know about HAL, then they should REALLY have bound her and maybe given a sedative to boot.
This helicopter flight scene lasts for THREE pages, most of which is silent reflection and waiting. At one point, they land to refuel where she is allowed to use the restroom, alone, with only a warning that she shouldn't try to escape. The building was surrounded after all.
FINALLY after another feel-bad about herself run-on paragraph, they land at an airbase.
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Here we see an example of the author's ignorance of military operations. There are literally THOUSANDS of small airfields that transports could land at from C-12 up to C-17. Plus, they engage in secret squirrel operations all the time without arousing suspision. How is Norman this stupid when it comes to understanding such operations? Wasn't he in the army? I know that Dentists usually don't engage in such things, but he should have at least picked up on a few things.
READ A DAMN TOM CLANCY NOVEL, YOU FUCKING HACK!
--------------------------------------------------They march her into a building with a cafeteria, where everyone has been removed so they can't see her I guess. After all, this whole episode is so that no-one would notice them transporting her. We get a quick description of her grabbing dinner, along with twelve 20oz coke bottles. it is played off as her guards dismissing it as the irrational behavior of someone who is about to die. Bullshit...
She then grabs the empty trash-bag from a can and placed eleven of the bottles inside.
This all comes in handy later during her daring escape, but there is no way at this point that she would know the particulars. ALSO, why would ANYONE let her keep these fucking bottles. What kind of inept morons are guarding her, and why are they even stopping as every stop is a chance for her to escape. WHICH SHE NEVER TAKES.
An of course, Mary Sue is ever the impressive figure...
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G.I. Mary Sue is given a cot in the back office to have a sleep, where she is AGAIN left alone for the night. She ponders that she could have killed all of them by chucking hard objects at them but doesn't because she doesn't know where she would go. Because, this dumb, fucking retard has forgotten that the POPE, the BRITISH PM, and even the CANADIAN PM have offered her sanctuary. There are three places you could go, and getting there would be as easy as finding an embassy or church.
The actions of this idiot girl are so frustratingly stupid that I may lobotomize myself so that I can understand what's going on and finish this chapter. Wouldn't it build way more tension if she escaped and had to use her wits to survive and stay one step ahead of the feds. Wouldn't it make more sense for her to at least TRY to escape, as they are practically HANDING her several opportunities on a silver platter.
It could be argued that they want her to try and escape, so that their actions can be justified. But that never comes up at any point or is even alluded to. Because if it had, you KNOW that Theresa would have droned on about it for two pages of self-aggrandizing text.
She lays on the cot and has another pity party while trying to sound like a deep thinker. When suddenly she is woken up.
What's this? A good Catholic girl using the Lords name in vain? Shame on you, Norman.
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She is then driven 'back' to the landing strip. Funny, nowhere does it say that she was driven away from the airstrip, I guess someone forgot to add that. See, this is why we edit and proof-read, you fucking amateur. Although, to be fair, the text does say that a helicopter could land 'anywhere' so that is it saying they landed next to a group of buildings someplace.
She is placed onto a twin turboprop, where we get a lengthy description of it. Again, describing things that aren't important but skimming over the parts that NEED detail.
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Au contraire, madame dumb-dumb. Now that their methods of self defense or out of easy use, you don't have to worry about getting shot. A few well placed punches and hand-slaps then your home free. Either threaten the pilot or fly the plane yourself back to land.
However, that is, as always, asking far too much from this empty-headed Mary Sue.
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Another formatting error!
OK, several questions right away. Why would her guards know when the bomb goes off, or have any information about her means of execution? Why would they TELL her that? Seems a bit inconsequential and stupid to tell the person your about to kill how it's going to be done. And what's with the flight suit, and WHY is it on the fucking PLANE with them?
This entire series of events is getting more and more aggravating and stupid as it goes along. Why not just shoot her? Oh, you want to destroy HAL, then why not just sedate her and keep her in a coma? Oh, not sure if that would even work, then why not be nice to her and keep her in a secure facility while you STUDY the space-jizz monster to see how you can destroy it? Every decision made here is the result of an idiot making reasons to progress the plot and not the workings of a rational mind.
There are SO MANY violations of military protocol here, I'm not even sure where to start with them. Suffice it to say, that this would never happen, even if a bizarrely similar situation were to occur. Not even the orders of the President can be followed so fucking blindly. They are about to violate several, crucial international treaties on nuclear arms in the OFF CHANCE that it kills this mystery being.
WHAT... IN... THE... ACTUALLY... FUCK!
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The flight suit somehow magically fits into her contrived and clearly not-plausible plan and she has a quiet moment of inner glee. She espouses how her family was now as though in another world and nothing they could do for her. Wherein she turned her thoughts to eternity and we get yet another obvious preachy message on the religious nature of this book.
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What a load of egotistical bullshit.
When pushed to the brink, she believes... that's it? Believes in God, why of course, and pities those who have ANY doubts about the big man upstairs. The slab of text then slips into a shitty version of the 'watchmaker argument' that fails at even making the basic point of the argument. It meanders and ends with a declaration that her families self-sacrificing goodness doesn't exist in nature. Too bad it does, altruism can be seen in animals all the time. Anyone with a brain can look this up and see just how wrong the argument is.
The last paragraph is actually an argument AGAINST free-will, which may be a way to explain Theresa's bizarre behavior thus far. Had any of this been properly established as a motivation for her then I would understand it being here. But as this is really the first time we get to see her faith laid out, it comes off as forced and beyond preachy.
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She then recites the Lord prayer, because of course that's needed at this point.
After a flight that lasts for hours (in which she didn't do anything but sulk and pray) the plane lands on an aircraft carrier. Which is yet another refueling stop for them, oh goody. They show a lot of concern for a condemned person and ensure that she is buckled in properly. After a long, BDSM-like scene ensues of her getting buckled in that gave me funny feelings, they land on the ship. Which is, of course, too long and overly descriptive.
Norman also used m.p.h (sic) to describe the aircraft's speed and not knots, a small detail but he should know better. Being the smartest man on the planet and all.
She receives an oddly out of place compliment for being such a good passenger when they land. The plan is refueled and is launched back into the air, where he again uses m.p.h instead of knots. Her guards joke about the launch being 'nothing' and 'to wait until the jet take off' for her to really feel the G's man.
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Time for another quick rant... she checked her watch here to see what the time was. Why does she still have that? Why isn't she blindfolded or otherwise not allowed to view the outside world or be seen. Remember, this is a secret squirrel operation here.
She makes a comment about them thinking that she 'was enjoying this adventure' and from the way it's written it certainly seems as though she's meant to. She's just along for the ride like a dog on a Sunday drive, not a care in the world or any ideas of getting away.
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They arrive at their destination, I hope, and land on another aircraft carrier. She steps off the plane with her MASSIVE bag of soda bottles in tow, which are not immediately taken from her for some reason. The deck is completely devoid of anyone except for a skeleton crew needed to handle the arriving aircraft and a few others.
The 'Goons' guarding her take them over to a group of officers, whereas they're all shock, SHOCKED I SAY, to see her. She smugly thinks that it was good that everyone else was below deck, as her arrival could have caused a mutiny.
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Several things of note here, the most blaring of them all however, is the author's continued ignorance of military Protocol.
1. The ship's senior officers WOULD NOT stand around idly by so they could be introduced to a condemned prisoner, not even if his/her death was by 'A-bomb'.
2. This ship is carrying an armed nuclear warhead, and it's being loaded onto an aircraft rigged to fly either remotely or under an automatic system. BOTH of these require special orders and personnel to manage, therefore, ALL of the ships senior staff would be apprised of the situation and know what was going on.
3. Which means, that they would have been told NOT to speak with the person about to be murdered by arms treaty violation. Even if they had been given little information, the 'Goons" guarding Theresa wouldn't have simply strolled over to them to engage in casual conversation.
Norman, is a buffoon of laughable caliber.
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After a pleasant conversation, where she complains that this is 'the most stupid thing ever done', to which I must agree. She AGAIN pines about how similar she is to historical people, this time being Tecumseh, the famous Indian Chief who rode into death singing and fearless. I just stabbed myself in the eye to give myself an excuse to stop reading this...
Theresa is then loaded into the as yet unidentified jet in question. They give her oxygen and ensure her seatbelt is properly secured. However, they forget to take away the GIANT TRASH BAG of plastic bottles she is carrying! I guess the Navy doesn't care much about FOD in the cockpit.
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A quick safety rant here, the catapult launch cables are not connected to an aircraft while ground crew are still on board, to my knowledge. This is an accident waiting to happen and is usually the last step in the pre-launch procedure. So far as I can tell from the various checklists I could find on the subject. Which makes it clear the I did far more research on the subject than the author.
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The jet is started and thusly launched, where is climbs quickly into the sky.
Norman AGAIN uses m.p.h (which isn't even the right way to type it out) to indicate speed. It's stated that the speed is 165 m.p.h (sic), however, most launch speeds are higher at around 150 knots, or 170mph. Trivial, but I need something to complain out... right?
As the world falls away with great speed, Theresa then jumps into action...
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So, they have her strapped in for safety and forgot to cuff and restrain her hands. What B-movie bond villain came up with this plan?
I'm going to assume that the ejection system was deactivated or removed. As wrenching out the seat straps like that is a good way to set it off. When I worked on B-1B's, you had to be rather gentle around the seats and they had been known to go off if you even lowered the seat down too much.
Whoa there fella! Careful with the flight suit unzipping scene there...
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I grabbed the first line of the following paragraph only to highlight the MASSIVE formatting error here, take a drink everyone!
Alright, now most aircraft that are slaved for remote operation have a VERY limited cockpit. There wouldn't be any functional instruments as they would have been removed for use on other aircraft. Let us assume that this was a last minute operation, and they slaved a functional aircraft from the chips inventory. Still not sure why they would leave any instruments in it. Canning all they could get away with would add to inventory and green up any broken jets that needed them.
This is something only those of us in the maintenance world would really understand, but there is information out there had the author done ANY research on the subject.
Let's the fact that there wouldn't be an analogue altimeter in the aircraft due to the text above and look at how she KNEW what an mech-alt is and how to read it. Mary Sue here sees one for the first time ever and immediately knows what all the dials mean. Why not go over a quick example... shall we?
It could have been this style, which is more common among military aircraft. So, I suppose we could allow it, but as it's not specified in the text I will still hold it against her.
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If she is on supplemental oxygen, then it can be assumed that the aircraft is unpressurized. Which would mean that those bottles would be close to exploding by the time she got them all opened. If the cockpit is pressurized, then they would explode the moment they opened the canopy. Further demonstrating the level of ignorance involved with this book.
Alright, so she places some plastic underneath the cap to make them 'water tight.' But what did those bottles have in them before she emptied them? And what is coke? So then, they were already water tight and Theresa is again shown to be a moron.
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Wouldn't it be a gas if the barometer wasn't set right and the actual Alt was 57,520 and the bomb went off just then. Or if they just blew it early because why not or due to a malfunction. That would be a fitting end for this goofy gal.
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She thinks of Steve and all the good times they had one last time. I wish we could have been apprised of those swell times, it might have made them both more relatable. She pines about how she now 'understands his purpose' and how he was a foretaste of the father. Not sure if that's the wording I would have used but Norman is his own man dammit.
This is just more religious oogy boogy that does nothing but make her seem dull and one dimensional.
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Sweet Jesus, enough of the religious demagoguery and fucking jump already you annoying shill. I certainly hope that prayer was, 'Dear God, please let me not asphyxiate on the way down.' Or even, 'Sweet baby Jesus, please change the laws of physics so that I don't break all my bones when I hit the water.'
A fall from that height is fatal, period, end of story. Even if your body is super strong and wouldn't turn to paste when it hit the water, your lungs would collapse from the low pressure and you would die. Or, your brain would turn to paste when i decelerated from terminal velocity to zero when you hit the water... and then you would die.
so, unless were about to see the miracle of human flight and the longest held breath in history...
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Theresa says prayer for God to forgive her sins, something that I thought only a priest could do, and pushes the canopy away with her bare hands. This bitch is jacked! She is rightly blown out of the cockpit and flies away to her death... the end.
God I wish that's what had happened.
By the power of plot-armor, she doesn't hit the tail of the aircraft and begins to fall back to the earth. She notices only silence for some reason, as wind is rather noisy, only the sound of her annoying breathing can be heard. The text goes on at length to explain what 'silence' sounds like, as though the readers don't grasp the concept.
Way to go Norman, it's almost as though you have no respect for your readers.
She then realizes how cold it is, yes it would be well below zero at those altitudes, and notes that without the flight suit she would already be dead. Boy, I guess it's good that the Plot-Gods saw fit to give her that for some contrived reason.
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Considering her altitude when she jumped (+55,000) and the relative velocity needed to be lost before reaching her apoapsis (+200knots). The blast would have been MUCH closer to her than 'miles,' in fact, the blast wave would have overtaken in seconds and ripped away her precious coke bottles.
And again, she would have been unconscious LONG before noticing the temperature start to climb. For a quick example, at 35,000ft you have roughly 20 seconds of consciousness, so yeah, her death would have been swift. As she fell at terminal velocity the wind would be such that she would lose all radiant heat, getting nothing from the air. Try sticking your arm out of the car window on a very hot day when traveling at 75mph, pretty cold yes? Now imagine traveling at 122mph, cold is putting it lightly.
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Theresa uses her well learned skydiving skills from the movies she had seen to keep from somersaulting through the air as she fell. Good to know she didn't just watch BBC historical documentaries, unless Queen Victoria had some righteous adventures.
After stabilizing her fall, she opens her eyes a little to see. When her magical plot armor keeps her eyes from turning into dried out yams from the 122mph gale-force wind hitting her face. She is still well above the clouds and able to breath for reasons that only serve to anger me further. Had she just passed out moments after leaving the cockpit, I wouldn't have been so pissed off about this. But even the fucking LAWS OF PHYSICS and BIOLOGY unite to keep princes Mary Sue alive and well.
Finally, after 'minutes of falling', she is low enough to make out the crisp blue waves of the South Atlantic. There is NO reason for her to know that, but as per usual she knows it for some reason.
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Anyone who has ever belly-flopped off a diving-board knows why this is bullshit. When hitting water as those speeds, it's as dense as concrete. Ever see the result of someone jumping off the Golden-gate Bridge? Trust me, you don't want to.
I suppose we can credit Norman with only having her being 'knocked out' and not turned into a fine paste that is awful on toast. But still, unless the space-soup inside her slowed her velocity at all, this is bullshit.
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She awakens to find herself awash in the ocean, the only problem was that her ankles hurt and she was cold. Fuck me... The longer she floats within the cold embrace of the briny deep, the worse it got and the more she began to long for death. I made that sound much better than it's written.
Her legs soon go numb and her body begins to lose it's 'nervous sensation.' I know that works, but there has to be a better word choice for this. It sounds as though her body can no longer arouse widespread interest and excitement. Which sounds sexy but is a little weird.
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We end on that abortion of a paragraph.
Look! Another formatting error, drunk up everyone!!
This is again an attempt at being deep and introspective. It fails, but it's an attempt. This chapter seems to have received some revision and editing when compared to the previous ones. It may have been a addition or a later re-write, either way, it still needs a lot of work.
Join me next time for another... Adventure in illiteracy!!
You think this was shit, wait until you see chapter 5...
You know, I'm not sure what's worse: The fact that I'm working on a rewrite of my first fanfic abomination, staring me and an extraterrestrial bionic aircraft girl, or this entire chapter?
ReplyDeleteWait until you see Chapter 5, it gets much, MUCH worse...
DeleteIt's so long and literally repeats EVERYTHING from the first four.
i saw fredrick from DTRH read this part live on stream. after this part, he had to walk out of the house because it was just so bad.
ReplyDeleteI just watched that myself after I did this, our reactions are pretty much the same...
Deleteyou guys are tougher than me.
DeleteTherapy helps...
Delete